Nolan Xavier Wells deserved to see his 19th birthday next month. The 18-year-old deserved to continue his studies and athletic career at Southwest Mississippi Community College, where he was a star wide receiver for the school’s football team with a major in general business. He deserved to create more special memories with his siblings: Elmore, Ethan, Jalen, Jaden and Carli. He deserved more opportunities to make his supportive and loving parents, Christine and Elmore, proud. Nolan Xavier Wells was full of promise and his future was bright. It is safe to assume no one thought this more than his own mom and dad.
We can agree to disagree on a lot of things. But one thing most of us do collectively agree on is that parenting is one of the hardest and most important jobs in the world.
No book, podcast, or class will ever prepare you for the curveballs parenting throws. Just when you think you might have it all figured out, you realize that you don’t. You never stop worrying about or wanting the best for your children. And raising a Black son in America? The amount of second, third, and fourth-guessing is indescribable. You question their school choices and their friend circles. You straddle the fine line between nurturing and caring without being too overprotective (Because what does that even mean as a Black parent?) and “helicoptering.” You want them to be confident, critical thinkers who can problem-solve and navigate this crazy world on their own. But you also overstand the realities of existing while Black.
When news of Wells’ death circulated on the World Wide Web over the 4th of July weekend, the tragedy immediately led to a spiraling of dark speculation. According to multiple news reports, the teenager, who was apparently an excellent swimmer, went missing during a holiday celebration with some of his high school friends. Said group of “friends,” four in total, traveled by boat to Horn Island, a popular, undeveloped island just south of his hometown of Ocean Springs, Mississippi. A quick Google search reveals that Horn Island is primarily visited by nature enthusiasts as it does not have amenities and lacks safe drinking water and cell phone service. Visitors can only reach the island by private boat or chartered service from the mainland.
While the young men were supposed to be enjoying a celebratory excursion, only three returned home to their families. On the night of July 4th, Nolan’s mother reported him missing, and posted on social media, writing that he was last seen on the northwest tip of the island around 3:00 p.m.
On July 6, a National Park Service ranger found Wells’ body on the northwest tip of Horn Island. Ashlee Cole, mother of one of the other teens who took the boating excursion, claims that Wells decided to stay on the island and return to the mainland later with another group of friends. She also asserts that her son and the other two boys (who all happen to be White) left around 4:30 p.m.—sans Wells—when the boat was supposedly taking on water, and there was an issue with the bilge pump (these pumps are used to remove excess water from the bottom of a boat). Cole is also a judge. A judge. Let that sink in.
Fast forward to today, at the time of this op-ed publication, text messages and social media posts of Wells were suspiciously deleted from his cell phone when it was recovered. “We always told him, if you go with a group, you stay with a group,” Wells’ dad publicly explained. The family is now working with prominent civil rights attorney Benjamin Crump on the active case.
Even at my big age, if my friends and I go out we stick by the tried-and-true rule: “We came here together, and we’re leaving here together.” Ain’t no exceptions. We can argue about it later. You might be getting on my nerves, or vice versa. But there’s no way we’re leaving this club/restaurant/bar without you—especially if we’re out of town.
The public wants answers. The parents of Wells, especially, need answers. They also need support, love, and a strong community to hold space for them in a genuine way. One thing they definitely do not need from us is shame or judgment. These parents are grieving the death, possibly murder, of their child in front of the world. In between taping segments for Good Morning America and meeting with what is no doubt a massive legal team, they are dodging requests from reporters who simply view them and their deceased son as clickbait. People who, unlike them, don’t know what their son’s favorite food was, what his most-watched movie was, the sound of his laugh, or what his last conversations were like with his parents and siblings.
Since this case went public and became an international conversation starter, my timelines have been filled with disturbing commentary about Nolan Xavier Wells. Like this:
My kids could never have gone to an island with those boys by himself. Y’all think putting your kids in an all-White environment is helping them. Look at what happens. This is why my children don’t go to all-White schools, and we don’t live in an all-White neighborhood.
Huh?
This is not the time. No parent has it all figured out. None. Of. Us. Not me. Not you. Not him, or her. You can think you’ve checked all the right boxes, dotted every “i” and crossed every “t” with your children, and then boom: you get reminded that you’re not in control. For the record, my own young son attends an all-Black school, we reside in a predominantly Black neighborhood, and I’m quite protective of him and always will be; unapologetically. Our individual parenting choices are just that—individual. There is already more than enough scrutiny of Black parents. Having to bury your child is one of the most heartbreaking acts a human can endure. To have to do it under a microscope? My God. Picking apart Christine and Elmore’s parenting choices just ain’t it.
We know people post social media commentary that they would never say face-to-face. This isn’t new. Criticizing the choices of Black parents and especially Black mothers is also not new. As my good sis Kimberly Seals Allers has profoundly stated, Black women are trusted to raise everyone else’s kids, even forced to be wet nurses at one time in history, yet somehow when it comes to our own children, our maternal instincts are severely questioned. What we’re not about to do is transfer those White supremacist norms to this mourning couple.
Hopefully, justice will be served fairly and swiftly. Our greatest asset and source of currency as a people is community. No other form of generational wealth can compare. The family of Nolan Xavier Wells needs us to help them now and in the days, weeks, and months ahead. Let’s uplift them with all the compassion, not judgment, we can.
